The Tortoise and the Hare Go Dieting

Tortoise and Hare were approaching middle-age, and were horrified to find that they had gained weight. Additionally, Tortoise found she was slower than ever, and aches and pains were starting to creep in.

"What shall we do?", moaned Tortoise.

"Well, I know what I'm going to do!", exclaimed Hare, springing up. "I'm going on a diet! It's Rabbit Food for me, from now on!" And off she hopped to the Farmer's Market.

Tortoise pondered her situation. She had read many articles about health and diet, most of which said different things. She knew that most diets fail in the long run. She had always been a bit plump, but now her lack of energy and increasing snugness in her shell were getting worrisome. Tortoise picked up a nutrition book. She read about the recommended daily intake of protein, did the math, and realized she wasn't getting enough. She tried eating a few more flies each day, and sure enough, she felt a little better.

One morning a couple of weeks later, she happened upon Hare, lounging by the roadside. "What's up?", she asked.

"Obviously not me", snapped Hare. She immediately felt contrite. "Sorry, I've been a little grouchy lately - and hungry. But I've lost weight! How are you doing?"

"I'm finding that when I eat more protein, I feel better", replied Tortoise. "It turns out I wasn't getting enough."

"Protein. Hmmm. Maybe I'd feel better with more protein. I've heard that high-protein diets are the latest thing. Maybe I wouldn't be so cranky."

"Would you care for a fly?", offered Tortoise.

"Duh! Hares are vegetarians! I'll have to go to the health food store and load up on tofu, tempeh, and seitan." And without another word, she hopped off.

Tortoise had been reading a lot about carbohydrates. The diet books seemed to vary a lot an how much of the diet should be carbs and what kinds. She decided to experiment. She tried cutting out some carbs, then added others. She found that with less sugar and starch, she was much less hungry, and not tempted to eat between meals. She also felt her energy level go up substantially, and she decided to start on a mild exercise program. She walked by Hare's burrow one morning, where the long-eared one was munching on a donut. "Hi there, Hare! How's your diet coming along?"

Hare looked up a bit guiltily. "Well, the protein diet got boring, frankly. This donut was just calling my name, what can I say? You're looking good, have you lost weight? I think I've gained all of mine back."

Tortoise allowed as how she'd lost a little weight, and told Hare about her exercise plan - slowly adding a little at a time. "I've even started to lift weights - just a little bit twice a week, but it's supposed to help."

Hare perked up a bit. "Hey, there's a new gym in town - would you like to join with me?"

Tortoise looked dubious. "I'd rather continue doing something I can see myself doing when I'm old and gray", she replied. "Gyms are boring. I'd rather walk in the woods and do my little routines."

Hare scoffed. "You have to challenge yourself more, my dear! Just think how much stronger you could get at the gym!" And she hopped off to join.

Tortoise continued her experiments. She figured out what level of carbohydrate worked best for her. She found that by adding high-fiber foods and some "good fat", she cut her appetite more. Slowly, she started adding more hills to her walking routine, and more weight to her "minimalist" exercise program.

A few months later, Hare hopped by. "How's the gym?", queried Tortoise.

Hare blushed. "Well, I changed jobs, and I've been having trouble working it into my schedule. You're looking good though", she complimented Tortoise.

"I feel good", beamed Tortoise. "And my cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood pressure are the best in years!"

Hare looked frustrated. "I HAVE to do something. I've been meaning to get that new diet book. Squirrel says it's done wonders for her in only 3 weeks!" And she headed off to the bookstore.

A month or so later, Tortoise was working in her yard when she heard grunting and groaning. Here was Hare, hauling a huge sack. She put it down with a thump, and Tortoise heard rattling. "Landscaping rocks?"

"Nope", said Hare. "Food supplements!"

"Really?", said Tortoise. I've started experimenting with a couple of supplements. Which ones do you think are helping?"

Hare looked down at the enormous sack. "Well, to tell you the truth, it's a bit difficult to tell." She picked up the bag and trudged off.

***

It had been one year since Tortoise had first picked up the nutrition book and begun to change her life. She felt better than she had in years, and was feeling quite satisfied with her progress. She decided to bring some of her newly baked almond-meal muffins over to Hare's house to celebrate.

Hare looked askance at the muffins. "What's in them? How many grams of fat?", she demanded.

Tortoise sighed, about to launch into the health benefits of almonds, including the "healthy fat" they contained, when Hare interrupted. "Eating stuff like that is probably why you're still so pudgy you know". That stung, especially since Tortoise's doctor had said something similar to her recently.

"Well", Tortoise reflected, "I've lost over 10% of my body weight. My weight loss has plateaued, but if I understand what the experts are saying, it would be a bad time to push it. I'm giving my body a chance to adjust to the change."

"That", snorted Hare, "is the wimpy way out. You should join SMAROWS with Mouse, Iguana, and me. We're not just sitting around. We're actually DOING something about our weight!"

"SMAROWS?"

"Small Mammals, Amphibians, and Reptiles Obsessively Watching the Scales!"

"Oh, no....", groaned Tortoise...

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